Welcome fellow Aspergirls and anyone who has found their way here....

I’ve spent my life thinking I was weird, odd, quirky, nerdy, and yes, different. I struggled in school, especially with subjects that weren’t in the creative areas (like math). I’ve struggled socially with accepted behaviors and language. Ones that even I didn’t notice were ‘odd’ until some of them were pointed out to me. And even then, I couldn’t control myself. I am bluntly honest and I have no poker face.

 I’ve struggled extensively with relationships. I’ve never felt like I fully fit in anywhere with anyone, save for maybe a very small number of people who haven’t probably seen the full spectrum me. I’ve rarely had close friends and usually that didn’t last. I was jealous of other girlfriend’s relationships with each other, and saddened that I couldn’t seem to be more than just a ‘satellite’ barely gracing their presence. I’ve struggled with conversation, different nuances that I work so hard to understand and overcome. I ask a million questions and interrupt and babble and talk a LOT about things I love and fixate on those. And I give out way too much information when it isn’t needed. I work so hard to be ‘normal’, that it can be exhausting. The rest of the time I deflect or avoid. Which, while it might seem strange or rude to others, is normal for me and not something I should feel bad about, even though I do. 

 

When it all fell into place, and I was officially diagnosed on the spectrum, I actually said, out loud, “ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” with that tone you get when something suddenly makes sense. And then I worried that when I revealed the diagnosis, that others would do that too, but that it wouldn’t be a good thing. That people I knew would start to treat me differently or even not know how to interact with me anymore. 

I also began to reflect on my past and present and have gone through a range of mixed emotions. I’ve gone over past conversations, relationships, and conflicts I’ve had. I’ve agonized about what I did or said that might have caused relationships to end and people to ghost me. I do not do well with argument, conflict, or debate. I am overly sensitive and I have ‘social anxiety’ so high that I tend to avoid certain social situations, and I don’t like change, certain types of humor, and I hate teasing. 

 

I am not embarrassed or ashamed to be on the spectrum. I was actually relieved by the diagnosis. I have been through a vicious cycle of wanting to control my issues, trying to, failing and beating myself up for it, even though most of the time, it was not in my control. Or at least now I know it wasn’t. It's why knowing sooner might have saved me a lot of anxiety and self-torture. 

 

I want to share this journey because I don’t want to hide. I want to stop the stigma that follows any kind of mental, developmental, or neurobehavioral disability (just to be clear, ASD is not a mental illness, but many people with ASD have mental co-morbidities like depression and anxiety). I want people to know that you are never too old to understand more about yourself, even if it means finding out that you are on the spectrum, and have been your entire life.

 

Even though I’ve entered my fifties and was diagnosed late in life, my journey is just beginning. It would have been nicer to be diagnosed as a child and go through treatments and therapies and get tools to help me get through school, since it was so challenging at times. But, even with all my issues, I did get through school, graduate college, even if it took longer than usual, even go to graduate school, successfully handle jobs, even if it meant going through a lot of them, and form meaningful relationships including my favorite one with my favorite human, my husband. I used to be sad that I never had a ‘best friend’, but as it turns out, I’ve had one for the last 32 years and he loves and supports me unconditionally. I have also been lucky to meet some great, supportive, people along the way. And I’m still friends with some of them and I am so grateful to them for hanging in there with me. I can’t express how much that means to me.

 

It is a lot for anyone to process. But for someone on the spectrum, it's even more momentous because we tend to fixate on things. I have found a psychologist who specializes in diagnosing and treating children and adults on the spectrum. She has a variety of treatment and coping strategies and resources to help me. Knowing about the diagnosis does add a level of stress to my anxiety. But that is why I pursued getting diagnosed in the first place. Because once I realized it was a possibility, I needed to know if it was true so I could take steps to combat the extreme social anxiety that's developed the more aware I’ve become of my ‘quirks’. 

I do not mean to diminish anyone else’s experience either being on the spectrum, or having loved ones on the spectrum. I’m new at this and as I mentioned, I’m not always great at clearly articulating my thoughts. This is strictly about ME and MY experience and observations. I have a lot more to learn.

 

What I do know is that I’m not stupid or lazy or over-reactive or rude or weird or melodramatic or too stiff or any other label that I’ve been given or have given myself.  I am me and that is enough.